Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Goldilocks. She was
your average fifth grader, whose parents both worked 8 to 5, Monday through Friday, at
state government jobs. She would come home each afternoon to an empty house, turn on
Looney Tunes cartoons, and quaff a pint of milk along with a dozen toll booth cookies.
(She lived near the turnpike, and the lady who operated the toll booth there would bake
cookies in a small toaster oven while waiting for cars to pass through her gate).
One Friday afternoon, after having her milk and cookies,she
decided to go for a walk. She wandered off past the turnpike, waved to the nice toll booth
lady, and strolled into the woods beyond. After walking a while longer, she came upon a
quaint little cottage inhabited by a family of three bears- Mama, Papa, and Junior.
The bears were just getting into an evening of quiet, relaxing
beer consumption, when Junior, who was drinking Sharp's, said "My beer is too
weak!" Mama Bear, who was drinking Molsen's, stated "My beer is too
strong!" Papa Bear, who drank Heineken with a whiskey chaser, said "My
beer,<hiccup> ish jusht right!" At that time, Mama Bear and Junior decided to
walk to the 7-11 for more suitable beverages, while Papa Bear passed out on the floor.
It was then that Goldilocks spotted their humble abode, and
approached and knocked on the door. Papa Bear, still unconscious, did not hear and did not
answer. Goldilocks, feeling brave, entered anyway, and saw Papa knocked out on the floor.
She spotted the beers on the table, and noticed that they were all still cold. She tried
Junior's Sharp's and made an unprintable comment expressing the same sentiments as Junior.
She then tried Mama's beer, and finished it. "Not bad", she said out loud. She
moved over to Papa's beverage, being careful not to trip over him. She finished his beer
also, and tried some of his whiskey. She poured some into a shot glass, which she found
lying on the floor next to Papa. She downed the shot all at once, and it came right back
up. She clearly was not ready for this. All of the sudden,she didn't feel so good, and she
quickly made tracks for the bathroom, where she prayed to the porcelain god for the next
thirty minutes. After saying her Amens, she got up and went out into the living room,
where she saw three rocking chairs. She climbed into Junior's, which was just the right
size for her. She started to rock, and after less than a minute, she began to feel ill
again, and somewhat dizzy. She stopped rocking, got out of the chair, and made her way
down the hall to the bedroom, where all three of the bears slept. This is probably why
Junior was an only child.
Goldilocks climbed into Junior's bed, where she quickly fell
asleep. Shortly thereafter, Mama Bear and Junior returned to find Papa still passed out on
the floor with their empty beer steins on the table. "Somebody's been drinking my
beer!" said Junior. "It was probably your father." said Mama. "I don't
think so," figured Junior. "I was drinking Sharp's. Besides, there's still some
left."
"Somebody's been drinking MY beer!", said Mama.
"It washn't me!" Papa slurred as he struggled to get up from the floor,
"and somebody polished off my beer too!" They went into the bedroom and observed
that Junior's bed was quite lumpy. "Someone's in my bed!" shouted Junior. This
startled Goldilocks to such a degree that she jumped up, ran past Junior, out of the room,
down the hall, through the kitchen and out the back door of the cottage as fast as her
little legs could carry her. I saw her last week on "Geraldo" in a show entitled
"Latch Key Trauma Kids" . Little Red Riding Hood was also on that show.
The End
By Alan D Hunter 1994