This is the story of the three little pigs. It is a complete fabrication intended to instill in the reader a sense of responsibility, decency, and overall competence. In other words, it has a moral at the end.
Once upon a time, in a land just a few blocks from the Piggly Wiggly, lived three pigs. They were all brothers, each one litter apart, and each the runt of their respective litters. Horace, the oldest, lived in a house made of wood and brick, but it was only halfway completed. It seems the builder filed bankruptcy and moved to Miami. Frank, the second oldest, lived in a house he built entirely of popsicle sticks, held together with Elmer's glue. His favorite part about building the house was, of course, eating the popsicles. Frank, coincidentally, was the largest of the three pigs. Junior, the youngest, lived in a house made of recycled green glass from Heineken bottles. He got a job at the Piggly Wiggly, and managed to pilfer enough bottles to build his dream home and develop a drinking problem. In addition, he managed to save up enough tip money to buy a Pigoneer RSX 9000 stereo system, with a 6 disc CD player, and 5000 watts of pure, earth-shaking power, and that's with the volume up only a quarter of the way.
Enter Bay-O Wolf, a surfer dude who plays drums in a long haired rock and roll band. He and Junior were good friends who enjoyed hanging out at the beach watching girls and drinking beer together
One night, Frank, who wasn't very bright, decided to invite his brothers and a lot of other people he didn't even know over for a little shindig. Now when I say shindig, I mean exactly that. As the guests arrived, Frank would say "Hey, man, I dig your shins." As you might imagine, this struck many of his guests as a little odd, and after a while, they began to talk behind his back, remarking that "That guy is such a boar", and "yeah, let's blow this popsicle stand!" As people left, Frank begged them to come back, but to no avail. Even his brothers went home.
The following weekend, Junior, who was much more fun, had some friends over for a little party. Frank, Horace, and Bay-O were there, along with several of Junior's coworkers, many of them cute young cashiers. Junior filled his CD player with several Van Halen, Poison, and Bon Jovi discs, and let it play. As the kegs of beer emptied, the party got wild. Bay-O turned down the stereo for a bit, and led the group in a chorus of 99,999 bottles of beer in the wall. Of course they didn't finish the song, and when people got tired of singing, Bay-O turned the stereo back up. Only this time, he maxed out the volume knob. When Eddie Van Halen reached a certain note in a guitar solo, Junior's home just completely shattered. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Bay-O immediately turned off the stereo, apologized to Junior, and went home, followed by the rest of the drunken partiers. The three brothers then went back to Horace's house to sleep through their hangovers and dry out. The end.
Moral: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties. They might drink too much and end up in a halfway house.
Written by Alan D. Hunter 1991